In a dream I had…

In a dream I had/I was on the stage with Queen/Michael Stipe and Elton John/Bono, Springsteen…

-Live

I’ve been thinking a great deal about “spirituality” these last few weeks. I feel like it’s all “postmodern” and “selfish” to claim that I’m a beautiful and unique snowflake, but I feel like my spiritual exploration comes from a weird spot.

I was born and raised in a “Christian” house. My “grandmother”* was Catholic, but my mother wasn’t, so we ended up bouncing from midwestern church to midwestern church. My uncle was a holy roller (literally– he thought he was taken over by the spirit and rolled about at times), but he was also just a tiny bit insane. I never really, truly bought into what I was hearing about God and the universe, but I knew there was something. Something bigger.

Because of my upbringing, I still sort of fear “hell,” even as I’m not sure that I believe in it, and I worry about disappointing God, though I don’t think the thing I worship would claim that name.

I’m what I guess would be defined as a “mixed blood.” I’m part Cherokee. I’m part German. I’m not entirely sure what my mother is, though we believe she’s mostly Navajo. As such, I’ve always felt a tie to nature and the Earth. I never felt quite right adopting a religion like Wicca, but it made good sense to me when I went through that period in high school where midwestern kids experiment with Wicca.

I’ve been reading a great deal of Indigenous theory. As I read about connections to origin myths, tradition, and land,  I find that I’m… mad. Not like raging, freaking out mad, but I wish I’d realized what I was missing in my life a long time ago. I feel like many of the hard lessons I’ve had to learn over the years could have been easier to learn if I’d read some of this stuff sooner.

I’ve come to understand that peace is happiness, and that happiness and peace comes from understanding and accepting the self/moving forward with the struggle.

I’m a lucky man, but I still find myself wondering what, exactly, it is that I believe in. I know something is looking out for me (trust me– I’ve had amazing luck of late), and I meditate/pray every night. I just wish I could put my finger on what I’m talking about when I talk about faith.

Or to quote Freedy Johnston:

I’m not saying you’ve gotta believe me/but something’s out there.

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